Abuse Doesn’t Always Show Up All At Once: Myths vs Facts
We’re partnering with our friends at Love Life Now Foundation in an effort to educate our audience on DV, as October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic violence doesn’t always begin with a punch, a threat, or an obvious act of violence. Sometimes, it begins with words that can feel almost flattering.
“I just love you so much.”
“I worry about you because I care.”
“I don’t like your friends because they don’t respect you.”
“Why do you need to go out… without me?”
At first, these behaviors may seem like jealousy, protectiveness, or even love. But abuse is often about power and control, and these behaviors can become more serious over time. To better inform those who may not know about how abuse can begin, let’s go over some DV Myths vs. Facts.
The Myths vs. The Facts of Domestic Violence
MYTH: “If there are no bruises, it’s not domestic violence.”
FACT: Abuse can include emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, technological, and verbal abuse, as well as coercive control (Click to read our blog on these types of abuse). Not all abuse leaves a physical mark.
MYTH: “Jealousy means they really love you.”
FACT: Excessive jealousy, monitoring, and possessiveness can be warning signs of controlling behavior, and could escalate into an emergent situation.
MYTH: “Abusers are always angry and violent.”
FACT: Someone who abuses may also be charming, successful, loving, or well-liked by others. Their public behavior may look very different from what happens behind closed doors.
MYTH: “Why can’t you just leave?”
FACT: Leaving can be complicated and dangerous. Someone experiencing abuse may face threats, financial dependence, children or custody concerns, housing issues, isolation, or fear of escalating violence. It isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem.
MYTH: “You must have done something to upset them/cause the abuse.”
FACT: Nothing someone says, wears, does, or fails to do causes another person to abuse them. The fact is that the responsibility for abusive behavior belongs to the person CHOOSING to use it.
Pay Attention to the Pattern
One uncomfortable interaction doesn’t necessarily tell the whole story. Domestic violence is often about a pattern of behaviors designed to establish power and control over time. In listening to survivors, it can happen over the span of months or years, so it’s important to ask yourself these questions in every relationship:
Is this behavior becoming more controlling?
Am I being isolated from people I love?
Do I feel like I have to constantly avoid upsetting my partner?
Am I losing control over my money, choices, or independence?
Do I feel afraid of what might happen if I say “no” or try to leave?
Love Life Now Foundation and Foundations Family Law believe that prevention begins with awareness. Recognizing the subtle signs doesn’t mean you have to immediately label your relationship or make a decision you’re not ready to make. It means giving yourself—or someone you care about in these situations the information and support needed to understand what is happening to them.
Domestic Violence Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, or unsure if what they are experiencing is DV, please reach out to Love Life Now for resources, or the following:
SafeLink is Massachusetts’ statewide 24/7 toll-free domestic violence hotline and a resource for anyone affected by domestic or dating violence at 877-785-2020
If you are Deaf or Hard of Hearing (D/HH), please dial 711 – MassRelay Service. Advocates are bilingual in English and Spanish and have access to a service that can provide translation in more than 130 languages.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers assistance and safety planning 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), TTY 1-800-787-3224
If you’re unable to speak safely, you can chat online at thehotline.org
No one should have to navigate abuse alone. By creating space for honest conversations, connecting survivors with resources, and continuing to build awareness, we can help ensure that those experiencing abuse know they are believed, supported, and not alone.