Coercive Control in Relationships
5 Clear Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore
If you find yourself asking the question “Am I a victim of abuse?,” the answer is usually yes — especially when that abuse isn’t physical, but psychological. Coercive control in relationships can be difficult to recognize and even harder to escape. Thankfully, last June, Massachusetts passed a bill that not only gave better protections for survivors of revenge porn, but also amended the definition of abuse to include coercive control*.
Here are the top 5 signs your partner is coercively controlling:
1. You never know where you stand with them, because their mood is constantly changing.
This is a common tactic in coercive control relationships. This comes across as acting hot then cold or mean then incredibly sweet. For example, calling your feet ugly then scheduling a pedicure for you. It can feel like emotional whiplash, and when you bring it up they can say things like, “Well I paid for you to get a pedicure so you can’t be mad at me. Besides, no one will want you and your ugly feet except me.” This creates a dynamic where you are constantly walking on eggshells because you can’t predict how your partner will react or behave even in similar situations.
2. They demean you and your self worth constantly.
This can sound like “Oh well you’re a nurse, you aren’t even a doctor so you aren’t the authority on medicine,” or “You’re a terrible mom – you can’t even keep up with laundry.” Truly, anything that makes you feel badly about yourself or like you’ve failed being a mom/partner/etc.
3. They threaten to do something bad and it hinges on you or your behavior.
A classic abuse tactic, this can sound something like “I’ll hurt the dog if you don’t let me go through your phone” or “I’ll hurt myself if you leave me.” These ultimatums are not love, it’s love of control. They know that you won’t want to hurt them or see others hurt, so they’re giving you no option.
4. Making you question your reality or gaslighting you.
Another classic tactic that abusers use is making you question everything. You remember vividly the first time they hit you and you felt the connection shift, and when you bring it up, it’s “I don’t remember it going down that way,” or “What I remember is you nagging me and I left”. Accountability is not in the abuser’s toolbox, and if they do concede something may have happened, they’ll usually turn it around and play the victim, perhaps saying “Well, that was an extreme reaction to your behavior if I did do something.”
5. Acting like they’re the authority on everything or that you need their permission for everyday things.
This could be over a $5 coffee purchase, and they’ll act like you just drained the joint savings account. It will start off with limiting your access to funds, and in extreme cases they’ll be the one in charge of the cash they give you because “You can’t be trusted” and “You always screw up the bank stuff, and you’ll earn it back when I think you’re ready.” It could also sound like, “You spend too much at the grocery store” when you’re buying the same things, and they’ll think you’re hiding money from them.
If these are some things your partner would say or do, you could be a victim of coercive control.
Next Steps if You’re Experiencing Coercive Control:
If this sounds like you, the good news is that we may be able to help. As a part of our Tiered Service Options, we may be able to help you draft an affidavit in support of your request for a restraining order. If you have any evidence of the above in the form of texts, voicemails or memos, notes or witnesses, we encourage you to book a discovery call with us to see if we could be a good fit.
Be sure to check out the Divorce Detox podcast, where Founding Attorney Jolee Vacchi and Divorce Coach Lisa Happ often discuss coercive control in relationships and the process of divorcing a narcissist.